


A Ghost That's Haunting Me

by harleyquinnwrites



Series: Demons [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Gen, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harleyquinnwrites/pseuds/harleyquinnwrites
Summary: Alex struggles with alcoholism and the lifestyle that accompanies it.





	1. Fried Sugar

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Supergirl or any of its characters, plots, language, etc. I did, however, borrow a script from a deleted scene, which I use in the first chapter to connect the show to my fic. To view the deleted scene where the words came from, go here: https://vimeo.com/177784881
> 
> Thank you.

Alex woke up with the stale taste of whiskey and unbrushed teeth in her mouth. Sunshine beamed into the living room area of her apartment. She closed her eyes hoping that the dizziness in her head would go away. If only she ignored the daylight hard enough.

A knock at the apartment door interrupted her avoidance of dawn. To be honest, it was closer to noon but who was keeping track anyway? Not Alex.

“I’m coming,” Alex held her head in pain, stumbling forward from the sofa. Kara was on the other side of the door, already trying to make conversation but Alex did not have time for that. Not with a hangover.

“Coming,” Alex assured Kara once more, knowing she was taking a bit longer than usual to get up from her place. 

Alex began to pick up beer bottles. It was a small attempt at making her apartment somewhat presentable to her sister. She did not need Kara knowing her whereabouts from last night, so cleaning up the evidence was key.

“Yes, I know. I know, I know, I know. I’m coming, I’m coming.” Alex cringed at her living quarters, as Kara knocked on the door. Again.

“Okay, sorry, I’m…” Alex rushed around, peeling off clothes and shoes from the floor. She finally made it to the doorway, unlocking the door for Kara.

“Good morning,” Kara grinned. She was well put-together and had already made a stop for coffee and doughnuts for two. How did the youngest Danvers sister always manage to somehow outdo Alex? It was impressive. Damn her and her alien genes.

“Did you pull another all-nighter, studying synthetic molecular blah _blah_?” Kara questioned.

“You know me, queen of the night,” Alex offered up, somewhat sarcastically. Kara missed the way Alex rolled her eyes into the back of her head. If only she knew what kind of night Alex was talking about. Strange men, strange places. She knew Kara would judge her. Maybe she should judge her, yet that was not something Alex was willing to deal with right now. Judgment from her sister was the worst kind of punishment.

“I’m so jealous of this apartment,” Kara spoke, still holding breakfast in her hands.

“Well, it is all yours after I am done,” Alex assured Kara, wiping crusted mascara from her eyes. She was seeing blurry and her eyes felt bloodshot. She assumed she looked even worse than she felt, which was bad.

“You don’t have to wait too long.”

“Yes, I know because you are getting your PhD/MB in less time than most people take to finish driver’s ed. Why do you push yourself this hard?” Kara questioned. 

It was true, Alex did push herself hard. She was aiming to enter a PhD/MB program starting next semester if all went as planned. The twenty-one-year-old was in her last few classes of undergrad. She was going to jump straight into a masters-doctorate dual program after that. Still, lately, she could hardly spend any time concentrating on studying. Most of her time is occupied with partying instead. A lifestyle.

“Kara,” Alex sighed, trying to reason with Kara.

“You can lift a car over your head. You can see through walls. I am just trying to keep up,” Alex offered, a pang of jealousy swelled in her chest. This was a feeling she often ignored. She pushed it deep down inside of herself. It pained her to think about ever hurting Kara, especially with an idea as cruel as jealousy.

“Yeah, well, I can’t use those powers. I’m not allowed. Suppress everything,” Kara seemed hurt anyway.

“I know it is hard to have super powers, Kara, but please. You have to watch over yourself. I-I can’t police you 24/7 anymore,” Alex explained. Kara felt distant.

“Are you ready for some fried sugar?” Kara smiled sadly, changing the subject.

“Thank you but now is not a good time. I-I started uh- a cardiac bioelectric system in the lab, so it’s going to blow up if I don’t get to it in time,” Alex lied. She had to. She needed to get rid of this headache, which meant she needed to get rid of Kara. Then she could sleep off her headache, or maybe drink more, hair of the dog that bit her or some bullshit like that.

Kara fidgeted with a stack of unopened mail on the counter. Great.

“Bills,” Alex admitted, grabbing a piece of mail from Kara. She had not paid any of them in at least a month but, again, what Kara did not know would not kill her.

Alex showed Kara to the door, but not without a proper hug first. She said a silent prayer to herself. She hoped that Kara could not tell she took at least nine shots of alcohol last night and no shower.

Once Kara left, Alex sighed in relief. She opened the envelope she was holding, leaning against the front door. At least her kid-sister was gone. As she tore open the package she noticed where it was from. It was a letter from the University of National City. They just put her on academic probation.

In that moment, everything felt like it was crashing and burning. How was she so smart yet so dumb? Her chances at a paid opportunity to attend a PhD/MB program were now squashed. She threw the paper to the floor.

“Fuck,” Alex cried out in displeasure. She began to pace the floor.

A few moments later, she needed a drink. Something to quell the pain or at least make her feel any emotion other than disappointment. She hated disappointment and never dealt with it well, so why ever bother facing it if she could avoid it?

Alex grabbed her coat from the coat hanger and slipped into it, hands in her pocket. She walked down the street to a speakeasy, then sat at the bar and ordered a scotch. Not even 1 P.M. The perfect time to get obliterated.


	2. Stranger In My Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex hooks up with a stranger and barely remembers his name.

Hours had passed and Alex was still nursing drinks at the speakeasy. Sad music from another time played in the background, as she sipped her whiskey.

Yeah, it was an interesting little joint. Full of older business men that Alex could drink under the table, which oftentimes she did. Of course, most of them were at work still, which left Alex pretty lonely today. She sat there with the bartender, Caleb, as he brought her another drink.

“You should go home, Alex,” Caleb spoke to her, a sternness in his voice.

“I-I… can do _whatever_ I want to do,” Alex slurred, downing half the drink in one sip.

Alex had a somewhat defiant personality whenever she drank. It was weird. Alex was a people-pleaser and cared way too much about others. More so than herself usually, yet whenever she had alcohol in her she was fire. Nobody wanted to mess with Alex then. Alex did not even want to mess with Alex.

Alex sighed.

“What’s the matter?” Caleb beckoned. He stood in front of Alex, waiting for the drunk girl to tell him a story from childhood. That or some ‘fun’ science fact that was only really interesting to Alex.

“I’m failing out of school,” Alex admitted aloud. She made a face of displeasure.

“Wait, what?” Alex…” Caleb offered empathetically.

“I know. I know. I drink too much,” Alex spoke, sure of herself, taking a sip from the tumbler.

“That you do, Alex, but who am I to judge?” Caleb shook his head, cleaning the counter with a rag. “I really would like to call you a cab, though,” Caleb admitted.

“Fine, fine,” Alex complied. She was only seven drinks in but she knew Caleb had his mind set on getting her home safely. Caleb smiled with pride. He turned towards the phone at the back counter, ringing a taxi service for Alex.

“I’m going to wait outside,” Alex insisted, finishing off her drink. She patted the tip she had just placed on the counter for Caleb.

“Close me out?” Alex quirked an eyebrow up at him.

“Just go home, Alex, I’ve got you covered.” Caleb sighed, knowing how rough of a day Alex was having.

Alex blew him a kiss and moved towards the front entrance of the bar.

***  
  
“Hey,” Alex hiccuped, noticing a suited-up man about to enter the bar as she exited it.

“Oh, _hell_ -o,” he offered, smiling distastefully, as he leaned up against the wall outside.

Alex may not have washed her hair in 3 days. She had smudgy eyeliner on too. She smelled like an actual booze factory but was pretty charming regardless. She leaned slightly wobbly onto the wall next to the stranger.

“Your name is?” He asked, his motives becoming clearer with just a simple look at the flicker in his eyes.

“Alexandra,” she said, a blissful, drunk smile written across her features. She ran her finger through her long, dark hair.

“Nice to meet you, Alexandra,” He offered a hand to her, still not offering up his own identity yet. 

“What do you say I buy you a drink?”

“I’m actually leaving,” Alex told him, grinning, but taking his slim hand in hers anyway. They shook hands, she having a more red-blooded handshake of the two of them.

“Where to?”

“Home,” Alex sighed, becoming bored with the conversation.

“What do you say I come with you?”

“I was hoping that you would,” Alex spoke, a coy smile wiped across her face. 

When the cab pulled up, Alex opened the door, gesturing for this mystery man to enter.

***  
  
It was roughly 9 o’clock in the evening when Alex woke up in bed with the nameless man. His name could be Mike, but she was unsure. Still, she kicked him out of her apartment as soon as she realized that he wanted to have sex. Again. Luckily, he left without any true difficulties.

Alex hated this part of drinking. The after effect. Waking up feeling dirty, used. Another fake orgasm to add to the books. Fake orgasms were better than feeling entirely alone, though. Left with her own thoughts just made her sad.

She locked the door behind her, grabbing at her head. She walked into the kitchen. She reached for her phone, which was sitting on the kitchen table. 14 missed calls and 22 text messages. Shit. She scrolled through the messages. They were mostly from Caleb and Kara, which caused Alex to curse silently under her breath.

“Hey,” Alex rang Kara.

“Alex! Where have you been? ” Kara spoke sternly.

“Oh, I’ve been home. I think I’m getting sick,” Alex lied.

“Have you been sleeping all day? You sound weird,” Kara noted. Alex’s voice was at least an octave deeper and raspier from her alcohol consumption.  
  
“Not exactly,” Alex sighed.  
  
“I just wanted to let you know I’m alive,” Alex continued. “I have to go, Kara,” Alex shut her eyes, making a sad face into the receiver. She chewed the inside of her cheek, waiting for Kara to reply.

“Alright, bye,” Kara spoke without any true disguise for her disappointment.

Alex sighed, clicking the phone off. She then shot a text to Caleb. Lucky for her he worked the day shifts at the speakeasy, which meant that she could go back without any real problem. First, though, maybe a shower was in order.

Alex grabbed a beer from her refrigerator, turning on music as she moved about the apartment. She happily drank in the shower. The sharp pain in her head went away as soon as the alcohol hit her lips. 

She put the beer in her shower caddy, shampooing her hair, and thinking about what kind of trouble she might get into tonight. After all, the night was young.


	3. Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex goes too hard?

Alex swayed her hips from side to side, her arms over her head as she moved to the music. She had moved on from the speakeasy to a club in a ritzy part of National City. How she got there, she had no idea. She was with a man named Tony, though. A dark-haired, light-eyed man from Metropolis on a business trip.

Tony definitely had moves, keeping Alex on her toes. She kept rhythm as he grabbed her hips, guiding her movements. She stumbled forward slightly as a group of girls moved onto the dance floor next to them. They were giggly, drunk and excited. Alex looked at them, a longing ache in her stomach. They were so lovely and Alex was garbage.

She excused herself from Tony for a moment, moving towards the bathroom. Another beautiful girl brushed up against Alex. This caused her breathing to hitch in her throat.

“S-sorry,” Alex apologized. She was suddenly lightheaded.

Alex rushed to a stall in the restroom without even locking the door behind her. She forced a finger down her throat, causing herself to gag up any alcohol she had been drinking. Much better.

“Are you alright?” A blonde-haired woman in a clingy black dress asked Alex, standing outside the stall.

The woman pushed the door open to get a good look at Alex. Alex was hugging onto the toilet with one arm, wiping her face with her other hand.

“You don’t look so hot,” the woman observed. “Are you here alone?”

“No,” Alex said, becoming more defensive than she wanted to.

Alex got up with the help of the woman and exited less than gracefully.

Moving throughout the bar, Alex tried her best to avoid Tony. He had been buying her drinks all night, but it was her time to leave. He had served his purpose. She fled the scene without saying goodbye. Typical Alex.

She walked on shaky limbs down the street. It was already two in the morning. She considered going home but denied herself that privilege. Home is where she would have to think about school. She was definitely not ready for that commitment yet.

She felt a presence behind her, as she picked up her pace. She hugged her arms around her body. The presence behind her seemed to be getting closer. She went to search her bag for pepper spray but soon realized she forgot her bag with Tony. Shit.

Alex started sprinting down the street in her high heels. It was an unfortunate choice, like most of her choices lately. Her heel got caught in a grate on the street, slamming her body into the concrete, as her ankle twisted. Blood gushed from her hands and knees. She could barely feel the pain, she was still so afraid of what was behind her.

She braced herself for the worst but when the worst did not come, she looked behind herself. Nothing. Nobody. Not one person. She was afraid of a ghost.

Alex picked herself up off the ground. She dusted herself off as best she could without getting blood on her designer threads. She muttered to herself, realizing she had no money with her now. No ID either. All she wanted was one more drink but she was not going back to see Tony to get her purse. She had no desire to make a regrettable decision tonight. She had already made plenty this morning. If she went back, she knew she would end up fucking Tony or something even worse than that.

***  
  
Twelve hours later, Alex sprawled out on her living room floor. Kara was outside her apartment. The alien knocked on the apartment door but unlike yesterday, Alex would not answer. She was passed out. Kara used her powers to see inside the apartment.

Wow. That was an ugly sight. What was Alex doing? Kara knocked on the door louder, more frustrated. Eventually, she rummaged through her purse. Fishing out the extra key that Alex gave her, Kara let herself inside.

“Alex,” Kara said, crouching over her older sister. She poked the passed-out girl. Alex stirred slightly.

“Alex,” Kara continued. She finally pushed Alex hard, which elicited a groan from Alex.

“What’s going on, Alex?” Kara questioned, annoyed but mostly afraid to find out the answer.

“ _Noooooo_ ,” Alex whined.

“You’re sleeping on the ground,” Kara spoke bluntly.

***

“You look like a semi-truck ran you over,” Kara observed over coffee.

The two Danvers women sat at the kitchen table. Alex’s face was still painted from last night, her clothes disheveled.

“Kara, not right now,” Alex groaned. She closed her eyes tightly, taking a sip of her coffee.

“No. Right now,” Kara insisted.

“You’ve been blowing me off for weeks and I don’t know what’s gotten into you but something is wrong,” Kara spoke.

“Alex, you know you can tell me anything, right?” Kara assured her older sister. Alex laughed dryly, sarcastically.

“I’m fine,” Alex told Kara.

“Then why do you have so many cuts and bruises. Why does your apartment smell like a frat house, huh? Also, why have you not been answering my calls or texts?” Kara huffed.

“I fell,” Alex shrugged. “Besides, it’s none of your business.”

Kara scoffed. “We’re sisters, Alex, in case you forgot,” Kara spoke, an annoyance obviously settling within her bones.

“How could I? I’m always compared to you,” Alex spoke, bitterness dripping from her voice. She did the one thing she promised she would never do. She blamed Kara for her own problems, hurting the Kryptonian in the process. Kara sat there quietly, adjusting her glasses.

“I’m sorry,” Kara apologized.

“Please, just leave,” Alex ordered Kara.

“I love you,” Kara assured Alex. Alex shrugged. Letting her baby sister leave without a rhyme or reason except for the fact that Alex was being mean. It was dumb. Alex knew this but had no desire to stop Kara anyway, so Kara left.


	4. Don't Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I apologize!

A day later Alex was a day sober, if only for her missing purse and lack of alcohol funds. She felt shaky and nauseous, which she chocked up to a 24-hour hangover. Really, it might have been withdrawals.

Kara once again visited Alex, trying to talk some sense into her only sister. Alex was kinder this time, although she also wanted nothing to do with Kara at the same time. She knew if she spent too much time with Kara, she would confess that she was on academic probation. That meant their mother would hear all about it. No way in hell was Alex going to tell Eliza. Not now anyway, not when her mistake could reverse.

“I’ll see you,” Alex spoke sweetly to Kara, draping her arms around Kara.

Alex walked Kara outside of her apartment. She noticed her own purse left on the front doorstep with a note attached to it. She was confused at first, then she remembered that her ID was inside. Her ID with her address.

“My purse!” She squealed excitedly, grabbing it to make sure all her belongings were inside. She counted her money quickly and took note of her phone (42 missed calls and texts). Kara looked shocked. Why did Alex have so much money anyway? Was she _not_ paying her rent? Also, how did she go anywhere without her phone?

“You were missing your purse?” Kara’s nose crinkled in confusion.

Alex shrugged. Alex took the note off of her purse, crumpling it up in her hand. The note simply said ‘CALL ME’ with a number scrawled under it. She assumed it was from the businessman, Tony. Like that was going to ever happen again. He had two left feet.

Kara looked at Alex strangely, grabbing the note from Alex’s hand. Alex never showed an interest in others, not lately, so who was she supposed to call? Kara tried to figure that out. Alex was like a puzzle with a few missing pieces — impossible to understand.

“Who is this?” Kara questioned.

“It’s nobody,” Alex laughed lowly because really, who was Tony anyway? She pushed her sister towards the exit, shrugging.

“Love you, Kar.” 

Alex smiled, all of a sudden feeling successful with her purse and money back in her possession again. She definitely did not want to go to the DMV or have to call her bank for new debit and credit cards, so this was perfect.

Kara was confused but did not push Alex. Pushing Alex was always a bad idea, so she left.  
  
“Love you,” Kara sighed.

Alex closed the apartment door behind her, double-bolting the door. She had a bad feeling about Tony for some reason or another, one she could not shake.


	5. A Bachelor Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara walks in on the aftermath of Alex's one-night-stand.

A typical night for Alex? Partying until the sun came up. Tonight was no different. She dressed in a tight purple dress, her long legs on display. Drunk Alex liked the attention. She sat with her legs crossed, stirring her drink with a straw, as she watched onlookers observe her. She smirked.

Men and women alike always seemed to want to approach Alex but never did. Alex always had to do the approaching. She kept her eyes trained on a group of bachelors that entered the bar. They seemed to be celebrating, so Alex knew they had money to spend.

She finished her drink, crunching on a piece of the ice with the back of her teeth. She pulled her dress down, which had ridden up as she sat at the bar. She bit her lower lip as she made her way over to the crew of men. Time to go in for the kill.

“Hi,” Alex offered, smiling sweetly, offering a hand for each of them to shake. The men let out boyish laughs, knowing exactly what Alex was doing.

“What brings you in tonight?” Alex smiled, twirling a piece of hair over her finger.

***

An hour deep and Alex was chilling in the corner lounge with the bachelor party, the only woman with them. This would have typically made her feel apprehensive. She had run out of cash, though, so unless she wanted to tap into her grocery money for the week this would have to do.

Alex laughed at their lame fraternity jokes, wondering where their girlfriends and fiancées were. Wondering how women could actually put up with men like this. Wondering why they bored her so much. She had a lot of questions.

For the rest of the night, Alex belonged.

***

Alex stumbled home, dropping her keys as she tried to let herself and her guest into her apartment. He pinned her against the door, trying to kiss her. She giggled awkwardly, not from excitement but from disgust.

“No,” Alex pushed him off, shaking her head.  


“I don’t kiss just anyone,” Alex told him, which seemed to make him want to kiss her even more. He thought she was being a tease. In reality, it was just her principal. Kissing felt more intimate than sex did to Alex. Plus men sucked at kissing.

She unlocked the door, and he pushed her inside, slapping her ass. Alex rolled her eyes, taking off her shoes as she led him into her bedroom.  
  
He grabbed her face and planted another sloppy kiss on her lips, rolling his tongue inside her mouth. Alex pushed him away, disgusted. When he would not stop kissing her, she bit his tongue.  
  
“Bitch!” He yelled, pushing Alex to the bed.

Alex fell backward, landing on her elbows. She would have and should have felt scared but drunken Alex took this as foreplay.

“I told you not to kiss me,” Alex warned cheekily.

“You crazy _bitch_ ,” he repeated but his anger dissipated. Instead, he took off his shirt, tossing it to the side.

“Maybe,” Alex grinned, pulling him down as she undid his pants.

***

Alex was groggy when, as usual, there was a knock at her door. She really wished Kara would stop dropping by like this. She rolled over to grab some clothes to put on when she realized bachelor-boy was still in her bed.

“Fuck,” Alex groaned.

“You have to stay here,” she warned. “And please be quiet.”

She slipped on sweatpants and a low-cut v-neck sans bra. She looked at herself in the mirror, trying to fix her bedhead. She was pretty positive she smelled like liquor and sex.

“Alex,” Kara spoke softly, surprised that Alex opened the door for her.

“Kara,” Alex spoke exhaustedly, motioning for Kara to come in. “Have you ever heard of calling?”

“I would call but you never answer,” Kara reasoned.

Touché.

“I was thinking we could grab brunch today,” Kara spoke sweetly, looking around the apartment. She sat at the counter, smiling at her older sister.

“Okay,” Alex nodded. Food sounded good right now.

“I just, I, uh-“ Alex stammered.

“Let me guess, this is a bad time,” Kara sighed.

“No! No,” Alex insisted, grabbing her sister’s hands. Kara smiled.

“Yes…” Alex admitted softly. Kara’s face fell.

“But we can go. Just uhhh…” How was Alex supposed to let Kara stay in her apartment as she got ready to go out for brunch? She had a random body in her bed.

Just then said body walked into the kitchen.

“Hey,” he offered Kara a wave. He was still shirtless. Although, he had acquired pants between his walk from Alex’s bed to the kitchen.

Fuck.

“Um hi?” Kara looked at Alex, her eyes widened in shock and confusion.

“I didn’t know you had a guest, Alex,” Kara felt panicked, pushing her glasses up by the nose-piece.

“I don’t,” Alex glared at her houseguest.

“He was just leaving,” Alex told him. 

He shrugged, grabbed an apple from the kitchen, and bit into it. Alex rushed to her bedroom, grabbed the rest of his belongings and pushed him towards the door. Once he left, Alex sighed, locking the door behind her.

“Oh my god,” Kara murmured.

“Please don’t say anything,” Alex insisted.

“I didn’t know… you… did _that_. ” Kara stumbled through talking, referring to one-night-stands.

“I don’t,” Alex defended. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” Alex sighed.

Kara sat uncomfortably on Alex’s sofa, flicking on Netflix while Alex showered. Kara wasn't sure if she should concern herself for Alex. She figured they'd talk about it at brunch.


	6. Brunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara wants to be there for Alex.

Alex sat across from Kara at Noonan’s. The two each had a plate of sticky buns in front of them, Kara devouring hers faster than Alex ate her own. Alex held onto the stem of a mimosa glass, drinking it every so often, watching Kara.

“You going to slow down?” Alex teased, cutting into her own buns and laughing.

Kara did slow down, hiccuping in the process. 

“Aside from pizza and potstickers, sticky buns might be the best type of food there is. It’s science,” Kara insisted.

They were sitting in each others company, yet neither of them wanted to approach the topic that loomed over their heads — the fact that Alex had a strange man in her apartment this morning. Kara decided to just go on and ask once the silence became too strong.

“Are you lonely, Alex? Is that it?” Kara pouted, trying to empathize with Alex.

“What?” Alex spoke softly, surprised. She took a long sip of her drink.

“It’s just that you don’t get close to many people,” Kara started. 

“Not since your falling out with Vicki, at least,” Alex observed. “Once your core group of friends from high school broke up, well, you kind of gave up.”

Alex felt attacked. “I didn’t give up,” Alex defended.

“You haven’t made many friends in college, Alex. The ones you were friends with, you’ve been avoiding for the past three months,” Kara sighed.

“You avoid me too,” Kara added, trying to understand her favorite human. She really wanted to know what was going on with Alex but Alex had a giant wall up around her feelings. 

Kara knew Alex was more the thinking-type than the feeling-type, always using her brain over her heart. Still Kara tried to rationalize what was going on in there. There had to be an explanation. Alex felt shut off emotionally, which scared Kara.

“If you’re going through something, Alex, I can go through it with you. I’m here for you,” Kara spoke in all seriousness.

“I’m not going through anything,” Alex rolled her eyes, trying to get the attention of the waiter to refill her glass.

“Okay,” Kara nodded.

Alex sat in the quietness of her own thoughts. She began to tear up.

“Alex,” Kara reached out to hold Alex’s hand.  Alex pulled away, which hurt Kara but she tried to be understanding.

“You’re going to be okay,” Kara nodded, “Please just talk to me.”

“I can’t,” Alex sighed softly. When the waiter came over to fill up her glass, she decided to get the check instead. He was taking too long, though.

“Can we go?” Alex asked, wiping the stray tears that leaked from her eyes.

“Yeah,” Kara spoke softly, putting her silverware down on her plate. She rummaged through her bag, leaving a generous amount of money for the wait staff without even seeing the bill.

“Come on, Ale,” Kara spoke gently, motioning for her sister to follow her.

***  
  
Walking by the water, Kara and Alex left a distance between each other. It was odd since they were the type of sisters to hold hands in public, not avoid each other.

Kara wanted to reach out to hug her sister, give her a warmth that she seemed to be lacking. Not only emotionally but physically. Kara observed Alex noting how scrawny her body seemedto be lately. Had she been taking care of herself properly Kara wondered.

“Is school going well?” Kara tried making conversation with Alex.

“School is school,” Alex shrugged.

“True,” Kara nodded.

“How are you doing in school?” Alex questioned Kara, trying to focus the attention back on her younger sibling.

“School is school,” Kara teased her sister, a small smile playing on her lips. Alex nudged her with her shoulder.

“Not funny,” Alex rolled her eyes, letting out a quiet laugh.

Alex looked out towards where boats that were docked.

“I have a headache,” Alex told Kara.

“Do you want to sit?” Kara offered.

“Sure.”  
  
The two found a park bench to sit upon. Alex held her head with one hand, massaging her temple. Kara massaged the back of Alex’s neck.

“Better?” Kara hoped.

“Not really,” Alex sighed. A beat.

“I’d never judge you, you know,” Kara smiled, a sadness in her eyes.

“I don’t know about that,” Alex groaned.  
  
“I wouldn’t,” Kara defended.

Kara moved her hand from Alex’s neck to her chin. She pushed her face up a little.

“Look at me. You’re my big sister and I love you,” Kara assured Alex. Kara stared at Alex until Alex’s eyes met Kara’s.

“I love you too,” Alex offered.

“Then what are you so scared of?” Kara questioned.

“Life,” Alex laughed dryly.

“I’m flunking out of school,” Alex finally admitted.

“Oh,” Kara said, somewhat surprised. She tried to process what was being said by her sister.

“I knew I shouldn’t have told you,” Alex sighed.

“I’m glad you did.” A beat. “Does Eliza know?”  
  
“What? No. Please don’t tell her either,” Alex warned.

“It’s not my business to share,” Kara assured Alex.

Alex sighed.

“What have you been doing, if not for school or work?” Kara pressed, trying to understand Alex.

“Not a whole lot,” Alex shrugged.

“Can we go?”

Now it was Kara’s turn to shrug, “I want to talk about this more.”  
  
“I don’t,” Alex asserted. In that moment Kara felt helpless.

***

Alex sat at the main window of her apartment. She looked out at the city lights as night fell. She had been in this position for a few hours. Ever since Kara and Alex parted ways at the docks. She just sat there, observing the people and cars passing by her window.

She held onto her tumbler, which was now empty. Why did everything feel so surreal? Maybeit was because she had to face her truth soon. She was going to be seeing the administration at her college in a few days. At least according to her letter from them. She would have to sit before the committee, begging for forgiveness. She needed forgiveness. She hated having to ask for it, though.

She sighed, getting up to stretch. Her limbs were wobbly. She moved towards the kitchen, pouring herself another drink, and headed to bed.


	7. Hey, Bartender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex finds a friend in the bartender, Caleb.

Alex had spent the day sleeping to avoid the sinking feeling of doom. The one that swept over her like a rocky wave, pulling her completely under the riptide. Lately, that feeling had been so strong for Alex. Dread, doom, everything. It was especially true after ditching Kara back at the docks the other day. Kara was so sweet and sensitive, yet Alex shut her down time and time again.

Kara was such a supportive sister in general. Alex could not stop herself from being anything but a bitch to Kara, lately, though. It reminded her of when they first became family.

Alex had to slowly accept that Kara was not like her. She was an individual. She wanted to make Kara into her mini-me but Kara was too much of her own person to accept that type of identity from Alex. It was a battle Alex often fought by herself as a teenager. Luckily with time came wisdom.

Alex, eventually, accepted Kara for the person that she was. However different she was than Alex, Alex loved her unconditionally. Before that happened, though, she held grudges. Strong grudges. Grudges that wrecked the possibility of a friendship within their sisterhood for a little while. Alex thought that was all in the past, and yet, Alex was kind of doing the same thing now. She felt angry with Kara for being so involved.

Alex wished Kara would just leave her alone. She wished they could just watch _Dancing With The Stars_ , however horrible it was, on her sofa in peace. She wished it could happen without Kara pushing the serious talks. That was not Kara, though.

Kara was an involved family member, not a hands-off type. No matter how much wishing Alex did, that would not change Kara. Alex needed to appreciate that before she really tore up their relationship. She needed to let Kara in again. Fully inside her heart and mind. She needed to stop blowing Kara off, and yet it had become a habit of hers.

Alex did want to apologize to Kara. So badly. She knew, though, that Kara would want more answers than just the ones she received. That thought alone set off a panic attack in Alex. Her breathing became shallow just thinking about it. So she stopped thinking about it, her thumb scrolling over Kara’s name in her phone book. She didn’t have to apologize today, did she?

Alex needed to see somebody, anybody, though. Instead of reaching out to Kara, Alex texted bartender, Caleb, mindlessly, hoping that maybe he would meet her for drinks somewhere. Caleb agreed although he had another idea in mind.  
  


***   
  
Alex met Caleb outside of her apartment building. He was grinning ear to ear, which made Alex suspicious. He seemed to be up to something.

Caleb mentally noted how sober Alex seemed. How much he liked how clear her eyes looked. She seemed sad, of course, but he could actually see her, not the alcohol. He wished she could always be this sober. He decided he was going to try and help her, despite being probably the worst influence on her, being her bartender and all.

“The infamous Alex Danvers,” Caleb teased before Alex shoved him playfully.

“Caleb, it’s good to see you,” Alex offered a small grin upon her face, her hands in her pockets.

“Good to see you too. So, I have an _idea_ ,” Caleb spoke nonchalantly. He knew this would not go over well but he was going to try anyway.

“Have you ever been rollerskating?”

“What are we twelve?” Alex chuckled softly, not taking Caleb seriously.

“I think we should go rollerskating,” Caleb smiled cheekily.

“I thought we were going to go to that one bar you told me about,” Alex spoke, leaning backward against the wall of the building. She took out a smoke, lighting it up.

“I spend all day in a bar, Alex,” Caleb admitted.

“Me too,” Alex chuckled.

“Exactly my point,” Caleb teased, although it hit a sore spot for Alex. She grimaced.

“I just think it would be nice to hang out without alcohol,” Caleb shrugged, trying to keep the mood light with his award-winning smile.

“Sounds pretty boring to me…” Alex blew out smoke.

“Thanks,” Caleb spoke sarcastically, still smiling, though.

The two of them stood there awkwardly for a moment. A range of emotions washed over Alex and she finally stubbed out her half-used cigarette.

“Okay, let’s go rollerskating,” Alex finally rolled her eyes playfully. She pushed him with her shoulder once more.  
  
***    
  
“You’re actually really good at this,” Caleb commented to Alex. They were skating in circles around the skating rink, definitely the oldest people at the venue.

“I have some skills,” Alex spoke matter-of-factly. She twirled around Caleb, giggling.

She was actually having fun. Alex Danvers was having fun without partying. Part of her wished they had invited Kara out. Part of her felt like this was a date, though, so maybe that was a bad idea. Did she even like Caleb like that?  

“Next time we should invite your sister,” Caleb said as if reading what was on her mind.

“We should,” Alex nodded with a smile that pulled one side of her lip up into a crooked smile.

“I can bring my boyfriend, too,” Caleb added.    
  
Wait, what? Caleb was gay? This was new information. Of course, she barely spoke to Caleb sober, so maybe he had told her this before.    
  
“Oh my god, so this isn’t a date,” Alex blurted out embarrassedly. She covered her face with her fingers.

“Oh no, wait, you thought I was straight?” Caleb frowned.    
  
“No, I didn’t. I mean I don't know. I mean I didn’t think it was a date. But then I kind of did,” Alex shrugged, her cheeks tinging a deep pink color.

“Don’t worry about it, girl, it happens to me all the time. I can’t help how irresistible I am,” Caleb laughed. Alex scoffed at him.

“I just wanted to see what you were like without eight whiskey sours in you,” Caleb shrugged. Again, he did not mean to cause Alex pain, yet something in her eyes flickered telling him otherwise.

“I like whiskey sours,” Alex shrugged.

“I like you sober,” Caleb spoke bluntly.

“It’s not like I’m always drunk, Caleb. I’m not right now,” Alex spoke, sticking her hands at the side of her hips. She stood still in the middle of the rink.

“True,” Caleb nodded.

Silence.

“Want to get some pizza?” He offered, trying to change the subject. It was getting too heavy and he was pretty sure Alex was about to slug him.

He held out his hand for Alex cautiously, and Alex grunted before meeting his hand with hers. They skated over to the food court.

***  
  
  Alex and Caleb sat in a booth across from one another, eating slices of pizza. Caleb had lightened the situation by pointing out every teenage couple on a date. They were all so awkward, which sent both Alex and Caleb into hysterical laughter.

“He definitely thinks he’s going to score tonight until he realizes she won’t kiss a boy with braces,” Caleb chuckled heartily.

“She’s too cute for him anyway,” Alex agreed. “She’ll probably end up with a girl,” Alex spoke softly, adding her own commentary. Caleb quirked an eyebrow up at her. What an odd thing to say.

“Have you ever been?” Caleb asked curiously.

“Been what?”    
  
“With a girl?” Caleb asked, almost over-enthusiastically.

“What? No, come on, Caleb. You see me go home with men, don’t you?” Alex clicked her tongue. She felt almost slightly offended, although she could not figure out why.

“I just thought I’d ask, you’ve got this vibe about you,” Caleb teased.

“No, I don’t,” Alex confirmed, thinking about all the times she had been called lesbian in high school. It was the reason her and best friend, Vicki, had a falling out before high school graduation. Whatever. She definitely did not like girls like that. Did she?

“What time is it?” Alex asked curiously.

“10 o’clock. Do I need to get you home before you turn into a pumpkin, Cinderella?” Caleb joked.

“I’m just a little tired,” Alex admitted softly.

The two turned in their skates and Caleb walked Alex home.

***

Although Alex was tired, she could hardly sleep. She tossed and turned in her bed, thinking of the conversation Caleb had with her at the skating rink. A lesbian. Did she really look or act like one?

Maybe, she should stop doing that. Maybe, that was why she never really had any luck with men. Maybe, she would ask Kara what she thought. Nah, better not. Kara might look at her like she had a disease. That or she would laugh at her, which Alex could not handle right now either. She was super sensitive. Even super supportive Kara would think it was a weird question, right?

The thoughts kept racing, though.

Alex crept out of bed into the darkened living area of her apartment. She felt around for the wall switch, turning on dimmed lights. She reached for the whiskey bottle but then stopped herself. Did she really have a problem? Maybe Caleb was right.

No, he barely knew her. Hell, she had no idea he even had a boyfriend before tonight.

She poured herself a tall, deep glass of whiskey on ice. See, alcoholics never used ice, she told herself.

She sat at her window, watching the dissipating traffic, before finishing her drink and heading to bed again. Just one glass, see. Enough to warm her up and sooth her into a deep sleep.


	8. Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara tries to sooth Alex with a song.

The clock flashed 12:00 and Alex groaned loudly. Oh god, today was the day. 

The aftertaste of alcohol sat on her tongue. Alex put on the coffee to try and wake herself up. Taking a sip, she cringed. She fumbled with the whiskey bottle, dropping the cap on the floor. She poured a little bit of the alcohol inside of the coffee and tasted it again. Much better. 

Alex took her coffee into the shower, a habit of hers. She began to wash up, examining the bruises she still had left on her body from a week before. They were ugly and green now. “This is great,” she mumbled to herself.

She eventually moved into her bedroom, finding an outfit to wear. She had to look put together. She finished her coffee and began to do her hair. She put it half up to try and make herself appear more approachable. She skimped on the makeup, which was a smart choice since she was running late. Only a little mascara.

Alex drove to the Administrative Department at the University of National City. She waited impatiently in the front office, her foot jiggling until one thirty rolled around. That was the time of her appointment.

“Alexandra Danvers,” the secretary called out. Alex shot up anxiously. She followed the older woman into a room with a giant table, many of Alex’s professors and mentors sitting around it, along with a few faces she did not recognize.

Shit.

“Hi,” Alex spoke awkwardly with a wave.

She sat down at the opposite end of the head of the table. She had not seen any of these people in at least a few weeks.

“Ms. Danvers, we’re concerned for you,” her advisor began, sitting across from her. Alex sunk down in her chair. 

The next hour was filled with the inflating of her ego with facts of how brilliant she was, only to deflate her ego seconds later with how disappointed her professors were in her. She could barely handle it, she felt lucky for not crying in front of them. 

The committee agreed not to kick Alex out. They did say they were going to give her a “break” indefinitely, though. Sounded fake to Alex. They told her they would review her case again in 90 days. In less than 90 days Alex was supposed to be graduated already. What was happening?  
  
Alex walked out to her car, a folder with her transcript in her hands. She got into the car, put her head against the steering wheel and began to cry. It was finally hitting her. Maybe all her reckless partying was not working for her.  
  
Alex reached for her cell phone, dialing Kara.

“Alex?” Kara smiled into the receiver. Alex struggled to find words, continuing to cry.

“Alex…” Kara soothed over the phone. “Are you okay? Where are you?”  
  
“School. I’m not on time to graduate,” Alex hiccuped between words.

Alex was the sister to have everything planned to a meticulous degree. The fact that her life was spiraling so out of control like this was shocking to Kara. She just wanted to help Alex.

“Don’t go anywhere,” Kara offered. “I’ll be right there…”  
  
Twenty minutes later Kara circled the school parking lots in her jalopy car until she found Alex. She parked her car next to Alex’s and stepped out of the driver’s side, walking up to the passenger side of Alex’s much nicer, newer car. A present Alex bought herself when she received her first ‘big girl job,’ a paid externship at a lab. An externship she was now fired from. Kara knocked on the window before Alex let her in.

“I’m a failure,” Alex started, a whole new round of tears beginning.

“You are _not_ ,” Kara assured Alex. “You just need a little guidance.”

“I’m supposed to be guiding you,” Alex sighed, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her jacket. More tears followed.

“You did, and you did a great job,” Kara insisted. “Now it’s my turn to help you…” Kara reached over the center console, wiping tears away from Alex’s eyes with her thumbs. 

“You just have to promise me one thing,” Kara continued. 

“What?”  
  
“Let me take care of you,” Kara spoke softly, kissing Alex’s cheek. Alex nodded sadly.

“You’ve been drinking a lot, haven’t you?” Kara spoke, caution in her voice. Alex nodded her head.

“Too much?” Kara asked. Alex met her with another nod of her head.

“Okay,” Kara said. She was figuring out the next steps of how to help Alex, deep in thought in her own head. Alex chewed her lip nervously, as she watched Kara try to figure out what to do.

“ _Oh_ , Alex,” Kara sighed, her heart breaking for her sister.

“You’re going to be okay, okay?” Kara promised, holding Alex’s hand.  
  
“I’ll stay with you tonight,” Kara insisted.  
  
“We’ll figure something out.”

***

Kara snuggled up next to Alex in her bed. They were close sisters, but Alex liked her space to stretch out (she was a bed hog if Kara were being honest) so they hardly ever had sleepovers like this. Only in crisis, really, or maybe sometimes on vacation. 

Kara tried to remember the last time they did this. The last time she held onto her sister in bed, brushing her hair out of her face as the tinier human cried and cried and cried.

One night in particular stuck out to Kara, as she currently kissed Alex’s tears away. She thought about it for a brief moment, thinking about how young and vulnerable Alex was back then. Alex was so much stronger now if only she could see that.  
  
That night, in particular, was the night of Alex’s senior prom. She had to be hardly even eighteen then, since her birthday fell in November, and prom happened in May.

Kara remembered how pretty Alex looked that night. She posed for pictures with her friends and her date — a boy from the baseball team — on the front lawn, while all the families and neighbors fawned over the dapperly dressed teenagers.

Kara looked out at the lawn from the front window. Her eyes twinkled with admiration, too shy to go out there on her own accord. She could barely look anyone in the eyes, let alone half the baseball team. They were so dreamy back then.

Kara distinctly remembered Alex from that time. She donned a long, princess-like gown, the color of the sky. Her hair was pushed out of her face, showing off Alex’s perfect bone structure. She had a tan, which made her freckles shine brilliantly on the bridge of her nose. Sure, it was a little odd to see Alex so dressed up, since she grew up being a bit of a tomboy. Yet she looked breathtaking. Definitely the prettiest girl out of her friends, no doubt about it. Probably the prettiest girl anybody knew.

That night, Kara stayed up late and imagined Alex dancing all night with her date. She figured she would be home by midnight, but three o’clock in the morning rolled around and Alex was still not home. Kara had a sinking feeling in her stomach but eventually fell asleep. She woke up relieved, as soon as her bedroom door creaked open.  
  
“Alex,” she cried out happily. “How was prom?”

She remembered Alex looked so pretty even for three o’clock in the morning. Even with mascara running. Why was her mascara running?  
  
See, that night Alex had walked all the way home from a National City hotel that her classmates had rented out to party in. It was on the outskirts of town, miles away from the Danvers home and Alex had high heels on. The next day her toes and heals were blistered but her ego hurt more than her feet. 

Kara flashbacked to when Alex slid into bed with her, her puffy dress taking up most of the space in bed with the two of them. Sort of how they were positioned now, although now they wore comfy clothes. Alex cried and cried and cried back then too. She would not tell Kara why until years later, but back then Alex was crying because of a boy. She was not only crying because he had made her so sad, so uncomfortable, but he had also made her felt so inadequate as a human being.

Yeah, years later Alex would divulge this story to Kara. Not then, though, not while Kara was so young.

Prom night, Alex’s date tried to have sex with her. When Alex denied him, he made her feel bad about it. _Terrible_ about it. He pushed Alex down to the ground when she deflected his sexy moves. He spat mean words back at her. He brought up her obvious inexperience with him and other boys too, namedropping a few boys that she _tried_ to like in freshman, sophomore and junior years of high school. It stung. How did he even know? 

He knew, though. Apparently, boys talked in the locker room, and Alex was often the topic of conversation. She found all that out that night in a mean rant spewed directly at her. Yes, they talked about Alex and how she lacked a sex-drive. Alex was humiliated, on the ground, in a pretty party gown. In front of half of her graduating class and all the baseball team could do was laugh.

Yeah, Alex needed validation from her sister that night, and she needed validation from Kara tonight. Once again Alex needed reassurance that she was a good person, despite her experiences (or back then, lack there of). Kara knew all of this, so she filled that duty of validating Alex with pride. She stroked Alex's cheek gently, as Alex continued to sob.

“Hey,” Kara spoke softly, her voice low and calm.

“Want me to sing to you?” Kara asked. Alex simply nodded, chewing her lip as she looked up into Kara’s face, tears still streaming down her own face.

“Okay,” Kara cleared her voice. “I haven’t done this in awhile,” Kara warned.

[ _You feel like a candle in a hurricane_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Just like a picture with a broken frame_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Alone and helpless, like you’ve lost your fight_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _But you’ll be all right, you’ll be all right_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Cause when push comes to shove_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You taste what you’re made of_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You might bend till you break_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _‘Cause it’s all you can take_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _On your knees, you look up_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Decide you’ve had enough_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You get mad, you get strong_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Wipe your hands, shake it off_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Then you stand, then you stand_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Life’s like a novel with the end ripped out_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _The edge of a canyon with only one way down_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Take what you’re given before it's gone_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _And start holdin' on, keep holdin’ on_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _‘Cause when push comes to shove_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You taste what you’re made of_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You might bend till you break_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _‘Cause it’s all you can take_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _On your knees, you look up_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Decide you’ve had enough_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You get mad, you get strong_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Wipe your hands, shake it off_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Then you stand, yeah, then you stand_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Every time you get up_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _And get back in the race_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _One more small piece of you_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Starts to fall into place_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[_'Cause when push comes to shove_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You taste what you’re made of_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You might bend till you break_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _‘Cause it’s all you can take_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _On your knees, you look up_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Decide you’ve had enough_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _You get mad, you get strong_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Wipe your hands, shake it off_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Then you stand, then you stand_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Yeah, then you stand, yeah_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

[ _Yeah, then you stand_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Vzpjv_kR4)

  
A new round of Alex sobbing ensued. Alex hated most popular country music. She knew Kara loved it, though. More importantly, her sister’s voice was so pure and angelic that her love for it outweighed her hatred of popular country music. Those lyrics really hit Alex in the gut too. It caused her to start crying harder.

“Oh, no, no. I didn’t mean to make you cry even harder, Alex,” Kara sighed.

“You hated it?”  
  
“I loved it,” Alex spoke between tears.  
  
“We’re going to do this together,” Kara assured Alex with a squeeze of her shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback would be great, as it helps me tweak the rest of the story. Thanks again!


End file.
